You know, I get that losing weight has an impact on insulin needs. And I have done that. Not only has it been two months since BabyK was born, but I have continued to lose weight and am now down to my lowest weight during the 1st trimester, which was 10 pounds lower than my pre-pregnancy weight. This, largely in part, to pumping his milk, which burns extra calories.
Most everything has returned to normal since having him. Hormones (thank you, PMS!) are back on the monthly roller-coaster that they were, Iâ€™m back in my pre-pregnancy clothes, even though Iâ€™m a slightly different shape than before (but itâ€™s amazing what pregnancy will do to your calf muscles! or mine, at leastâ€¦). But one thing that hasnâ€™t returned to normal is my insulin. Iâ€™m still only needing about half of what I was before pregnancy, and as of this morning, Iâ€™ve backed off even more when it comes to correction factors. Granted, I donâ€™t mind being low mid-morning and eating my two Oreos and clocking in at a nice 100mg/dl at 1pm for lunch. The low had resulted from an overnight high of 231mg/dl at 4am, long after any bolus would be active, so I took the full amount. But what I didnâ€™t think about was that I had also pumped his milk at 4am as well, which normally requires a decrease in insulin for me, so I probably took too much in light of that situation.
Not that Iâ€™m trying to complain at all about the decrease in insulin needs (hey, itâ€™s a welcomed change to have a few extra vials of insulin on hand between refills!), but I just wish I could figure it out. I just wish I could learn myself enough to do what I need to do without much thought (Iâ€™m sure I just heard a collective â€œHA!â€ in the DOC) while trying to balance being a mom and doing what I need to do for the baby.
I mean, seriously. I know everyone says that when you become a mom, taking care of yourself goes on the back-burner and the child comes first. And Iâ€™ve done that. But diabetes doesnâ€™t let me put myself on the back burner. Itâ€™s still up here, front and center, along with BabyK. And I think this week has just finally gotten to me mentally â€“ trying to find out whatâ€™s going on with me and whatâ€™s going on with him and his skin.
(Turns out, he has eczema, so Iâ€™m having to use a steroid oil on his patches until they clear, and then keep him lotioned up to help him not break out as bad. But with the biggest, angriest patch being on his face, Iâ€™ve been having to try to keep him from rubbing and scratching it, not just so he wonâ€™t irritate it, but so he wonâ€™t get the oil in his eyes or mouthâ€¦ to which these mittens that Erikâ€™s friend gave us have come in handy!)
I know I need to just relax and things will take care of themselves. But Iâ€™m just so afraid of the whole â€œnot-taking-care-of-him/herself syndromeâ€ that others have. If I leave my diabetes alone and avoid tight control because I canâ€™t balance it and him, then Iâ€™ll be at risk for long-term complications, and when they happen, outsiders will say â€œshe just didnâ€™t take care of herselfâ€¦â€, and if I totally gave myself to diabetes control as I did before and during pregnancy, others may say that Iâ€™m ignoring him and his needs in place of my own and Iâ€™m being a bad mom and I need to put him first. I feel like itâ€™s a darned-if-you-do-darned-if-you-donâ€™t situation. And, no, no one has said anything of the sort to me, but I feel like they think it.
How do you let go? How do you not worry about what people think or say? Iâ€™m doing everything I physically and mentally can to take care of the two absolutely most important things in my life, and Iâ€™m so afraid something somewhere along the way is going to fall through the cracks, and Iâ€™m going to be fussed at or looked at as unfit.
I donâ€™t know the answer, and I donâ€™t know that any of you do either. I do know this. Iâ€™m glad that I have you guys as a sounding board. People who know what Iâ€™m talking about and have been there. People who have the guts to not let things get to them, and when they do, they tell the on-lookers to shove it and they move on. I envy you.
And Iâ€™m grateful for those of you who give me words of encouragement, that tell me that no matter what, I can do this, and to just sit back, BPR (Breath, Pray, & Relax), and take each day as it comes.
Because itâ€™s true.
I CAN do this.
Not because I have to, but because I want to.
I want to be the best and do the best I can for both me and my child.
After all, a stove has two front burners, right?
Who among you by worrying can add a single moment to your life? â€“Matthew 6:27 CEB
Therefore, stop worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. â€“ Matthew 6:34 CEB