Over the past couple of weeks, I feel like I put myself into a cocoon in efforts to try to recenter myself and figure out what the heck is going on with me. I think for the most part, it’s just regular old diabetes-in-general burnout. And while my blog is for advocacy, it is also just a place to share my story and a place to get my own thoughts and feelings out of my head. So here’s my story of this past burnout. Honestly, I don’t know when it began. It just started as if it were a dark cloud creeping over my head… and I didn’t know it until the rain started.
Part of it was of my own fault though – Social media overload. And not just any old social media, Diabetes related social media. My facebook, my twitter, my instagram… all of my accounts specifically set up to connect with other diabetics as a support system… began to overwhelm me for some reason in a way that never has before. Groups where people were supportive but at the same time others were so very rude – a place that I had looked to for connectivity with people I thought would understand was also full of trolls living with the same condition, and the thought of how someone could live this life and bash another for the same life upset me on a level that I never knew existed in me. I let the words of those blanket my thoughts of how things must be and overshadowed the good that I knew was there, but had forgotten about.
The other part of it was just being tired of the testing, tired of the numbers, and tired of the math game. I had slowly gotten to a point where all I did was test, enter my BG, SWAG my carbs, and go. Then it became rarely testing, just entering swagged carbs, and delivering insulin. I had gotten down to testing maybe twice per day, down from my 6-10, almost in a way of ignoring my diabetes. Not that I didn’t think it was possible to control it – just that I had been too tired to try anymore. See, that’s the hardest part of living with this disease. There are no breaks. There are no vacations. There are no “free” days. It’s every day, 24/7, and we are supposed to somehow keep our sanity up through the ever-changing shifts in our needs to control this disease because it’s not as simple as test, take your meds, and watch your food. There is SO much more that goes on, and it all caught up with me over a period of time and I wanted to quit. But to quit is to give up not only on myself, but on my family. On those who love me. And that’s not right by them. The biggest problem is I’ve always felt as if this is my disease… it’s not theirs, so I’m not going to worry them or burden them with my issues or talk about it with them.. but the problem with that thinking is that you (I) are basically telling yourself (myself) that you don’t matter to your family… and you (I) do.
So, I’m slowly emerging from my burnout. I’m taking some things head-on again like testing more and starting to pre-bolus for my meals, and my meals are looked up and carbs calculated before I bolus instead of swagging them. I’m taking it all one step at a time. Break time is over. Recuperation time is here. I’ll get back up and running very soon, but one step at a time.