Yesterday, I posted a photo of a candle with it’s flame blown out and blue smoke trailing away. The photo was to represent me. I’m burnt out. Not just with diabetes – but with everything that surrounds it. The technology. The advocacy. The control. The everything.
I don’t have time to blog anymore – and if I did, I don’t know that I would. I feel as if I’ve become a broken record of sorts. Mostly because nothing is really going on to be blogged about, and if it did, I don’t have the mental energy to do so. And, for the past 5 1/2 years, this has been my platform for advocacy – but over the past year, I’ve recognized more and more that if some of the bigger bloggers are thinking that what they do is simply a drop in the bucket as to what needs to happen, then my efforts are simply a vapor, and simply not even needed.
And speaking of advocacy – I just don’t have the “u-rah” to do it any longer. I try to raise money for the JDRF and barely get over $200 without having to beg. Other things like call-to-actions simply go over my head because my head is filled with things I’m having to study for school and I don’t want to be someone who half-a$$ advocates simply because someone told me to or copy/pastes someone else’s prefilled response because I’m sure if any congressman or other elected official would read it, they’d know that what it was – and not that I would even be able to make sense of it even if they were to happen to call on me to get my point of view. I’d probably stand there looking like an idiot. I can’t pretend to know anything about law codes or dockets and that alone makes me feel dumb, uneducated, and unqualified to be an advocate for anything. I don’t have the time nor mental capacity to try to get more involved than I am. I’ve done the best I can for a while now, but I think even that not even enough to consider myself an “advocate”.
I’ve tried to get more involved to hopefully find new avenues of advocacy and support. I’m not much for Twitter, but I do have quite a few close friends on Facebook, and I’ve come to try to help moderate a couple of groups in hopes of trying to help others find an interactive means of support. But, as with all things technology and social media combined, it seems to foster more negativity than positivity at times. And it seems that no matter how much you try to help encourage others and possibly bridge the gap that is obviously between the two major aspects of this disease, there will always be differences – whether it’s between type 1 or type 2 or between being a person who lives with diabetes or being the parent/caregiver of one who is type 1 or type 2. There’s always fighting around it and I hate it because it always seems to come from the very people who say they support or mark their pictures with the Blue Circle and yet their actions clearly show that they don’t seem to realize that the purpose of it is to show the unity of all who live with diabetes under the same blue sky around the world. The color blue is not just for one type – it’s for all types. But it seems no matter how much I try to support or be the one to stand up for both types, the more I wonder if anything I ever do will ever make a difference. Seriously, at times, it’s as if Facebook should be renamed “Judgement” book. Not to say that it’s all negative, but I think the negativity of it has gotten the best of me.
And technology – I’ve always been SO interested in all of the technology that surrounds diabetes. All of the devices – the pumps, the meters, the CGM’s, apps, you name it. I’ve enjoyed learning about all of the new stuff on the market and trying them out and seeing the pros and cons of each of them while trying to see how one could fit one person better than the other and hopefully write well-informed posts about them…. but lately? I don’t really even care to see the new “exciting” thing. A few things have come on the market recently and I’m just not excited about them… and when that happens, it feels as if I’ve lost my flame.. my drive… my “me”.
I guess everything can be summed up to the fact that I want to be the biggest advocate there is – I want to shout it all from the roof tops and fix all the crap going on with health care and give all the diabetics access to everything they need and know everything about all of the devices and help them to find what would fit them and their lives so they wouldn’t have to worry about it and only focus on simply taking care of themselves, all while wearing a negativity-proof helmet and vest to fend off the nay-sayers. I have the compassion – I just don’t have the drive anymore. I feel as if I’ve put my heart into this so long and shouted my heartfelt excitement all for no reason at all because it’s never mattered really. My flame is not – and probably never has been – big enough and bright enough to make a difference, and I’m coming to terms with what seems to be that my method of what I thought was advocacy all of this time, simply isn’t.
So, I’m trying to make a decision as to what to do, and to make sure it’s the right thing to do. I’ll still support things going on -which currently my big thing that I am doing is the Big Blue Test. And maybe I need to redefine what I am in the diabetes world. Maybe I’m not a diabetes advocate, just a diabetes supporter… if there is a difference. I don’t know. What I do know is that I need time to think about things and maybe lay low for a while until I figure out what my place is. I don’t want to not be in the world of diabetes support, but if it’s time to move on, I need to figure that out.