… is me. I know I am very indecisive when it comes to how I handle or choose the technology that I use. I am very picky and very uptight about these devices and what I think they should and should not offer. And honestly, after thinking things over for a long time, I think I know why.
As a kidlet through my teen years, I had no other option to me other than shots and a meter. I took what I could and used them. Honestly, even though I thought I had an idea of what life with diabetes was… I didn’t. Sure, I knew lows and I knew highs. But I also knew how to cheat the system… filling in weeks of logbook entries just right to that they made sense… to a degree… all the while I knew there had been a month that had passed where I didn’t check my sugar at all. I didn’t want this disease no more than a kid wants to take unflavored Robitussin when they’re sick. I refused to even think about using an insulin pump for YEARS. Then when I did, I still abused the right to wear one and almost had it taken away (and in all honestly, it probably should have been…).
Why do you think I was this way about diabetes? Did I resent having it? Yes. Do I think things around my care could have been handled better? Yes, but I also believe my parents did the best they could at the time. I hated diabetes because it was seen as a terrible thing that I was going to die from, and each instance of a low or high blood sugar would send utter panic. I felt defeated from the beginning, and I didn’t want to try because it seemed like it wouldn’t matter anyway.
Now? I couldn’t bear the thought of going an entire day without checking. I’ve been on a version of every pump companies product, and I’m still swimming with decisions on which one would fit me and my diabetes best. I may be determined and dedicated to my care, but I am NOT decisive…. and that’s a big thing that is needed in this world of treatments and technology around diabetes. I feel absolutely terrible for letting myself get so excited about the t:Slim and thinking it would be the “perfect” fit I had been looking for. But honestly, what I have come to realize is, that what I thought was a perfect fit for me when I was a teen was only because it let me “get by” in living, and I didn’t know what I know now. How I lived and what I knew then cannot be compared to now. That has been the missing key that I’ve been trying to figure out as to why I haven’t been satisfied.
Truth is, I didn’t care that I didn’t have perfect control, or well, no control at all way back then because I didn’t know how to handle my diabetes. I only knew that if I didn’t take care of myself, I was going to have complications. I didn’t know that you could have a week full of great control and the next week – BOOM, a week full of WTFreak blood sugars that had no rhyme or reason to them but that I was taught that if the numbers weren’t right, it was surely something I did. So I just gave up. Now I know better.
While I don’t think that going back to ground-0 and starting completely over from scratch is appropriate, I believe that I need to have a new perspective on things. I need to quit trying to figure out “why” I can’ t make a decision and “why” I seemed to be “so happy” back then and quit looking for a magic rainbow and pot of gold that doesn’t exist. I wasn’t happy then, and I certainly wasn’t healthy. NO amount of technology, advancements in said technology or any physical thing can make living a healthy life with diabetes as easy as I want it to be. Diabetes is not ignorable. No matter what device I use – shot, pen, or pump – is going to be the magical little leprechaun in this whole mess. It’s always going to have periods of great times and WTFreak moments that will make me go completely batty. I need to base my decision off of what I have learned about my own body and my own diabetic needs and choose the path of treatment that I think will best fit that need. It won’t be a perfect puzzle-piece fit, I know, but putting a puzzle piece in there is better than nothing at all and just giving up.