Sometime last month, I posted in a What’s New Monday post about a very personal thing, though I didn’t come right out and say it. I only said that I was having some mental/emotional/physical issues and had spoken with my doctor about trying Lexapro (an anti-anxiety / anti-depressant) again for it.
See, after having Kip, my anxiety levels went through the roof. I was a new mom trying to be the absolute best mom ever and not fail. I’ve always had a fear of failing and feeling as if everyone would shun me if I did. Then, when he was diagnosed with his milk allergy, it made it even worse. I was constantly on a verge of crying and feeling like I was going to drop all of the balls I was juggling and fail. I even felt threatened in a way by other family members – I felt like they could do a better job than me and that Kip wouldn’t want me as his mom anymore. I hated that others were trying to do things to resemble me to get him to like them. What I couldn’t see was that it was my own fear and keeping him so wrapped up tightly to me and trying to have absolute control as if I had something to prove that was actually causing problems. All of the angst and feelings I had were becoming a big problem not only for me, but for my family as well. I could tell that others around me noticed how I had changed, but I didn’t know how to fix it. While they probably thought I was being a controlling mom who didn’t want anyone else to have anything to do with my kid and would get angry if anyone did anything, what they couldn’t see was the sheer bundle of nerves and fear that I was. I hated it. I hated feeling that way and knowing what it was doing to everyone else. Then, I remembered that the same feelings I was experiencing was the same I had before I had gotten married to Erik, and when I had been pushed as far as I could, I went to see a doctor who gave me Lexapro to try. I remembered the ease I had after. So, thinking maybe it could help, and after months of debate and not wanting to feel completely crazy or stupid, I finally felt it was best that I do something about my situation and I saw my doctor again.
It’s been a month now and I can honestly say I can tell a huge difference. I’m happy most of the time. I still worry and try to be on my toes about his care and my care and everyone else too, but I’m not so uptight about it. I can finally smile and relax and be who I know I am inside.