Did ya hear me screaming around 8am this morning? No? Well, I gave it my best…
Why was I screaming?
I asked for it, though. I haven’t been drinking water / decaf beverages like I should – instead I’ve gone back down that slippery slope of Diet Mountain Dew, and I can tell it’s had it’s effects on my bg’s lately because they have steadily climbed upward. The rocky fight to keep lower numbers has been treacherous, and it’s just not worth the effort anymore. (Okay, enough puns…)
But really. Between DMD overload and that cheeseburger I ate last night… I feel absolutely awful. Not only are my kidneys kicking me in the back, but I feel absolutely miserable… like I need someone to squirt WD40 all inside my joints and brain to keep me moving and thinking. My gosh! I mean, I’m only 28 years old and I feel like I’m 68!
I cried last night when I went to bed. Why? Because of the pain in my back – I knew it was because of all of the DMD and no water and that my kidneys were stressing out in there. Then I flashed to a worst-case-scenario of my own “Steel Magnolias” moment – Sure I already have Kip, and we’ve always said we wanted two kids… what if I can’t have another child? What if because I’m too freakin’ easy to give in to the things I shouldn’t have, I’m bringing back the kidney problems I had years ago, the one thing that was mentioned over and over and over again when I was in the hospital between nurses who were leaving and the ones taking over the next shift during my recovery from having Kip? I mean, if Kip is the only child we have, then so be it. I’ll be the best mom I can ever be to him and him alone, and I won’t regret it a bit. And I’ll enjoy every single moment we have together – for however long that may be.
Some people wonder why I want to do so many things with Kip now and why I want to have “special things” to me that others don’t – like the fact that I won’t cut my hair because he plays with it to comfort himself, or that I want to do things with him that I didn’t get to do as a child – things that I want him to remember as being “mom&me” moments – and why I want pictures and pictures and pictures with both of us in them… it’s because I simply don’t know with this stupid disease. I could live another 20, 40, or 60 years and have lots of moments. I could end up having kidney issues and have to have a transplant and have years knocked off of my already shortened life thanks to diabetes. Or I could be killed in a car accident tomorrow and not have another single moment with him. I want him to remember me and to remember just how much I loved him. I want him to know how hard I fought to stay healthy so that we could have all of those moments. I don’t want him to remember how mommy “didn’t take care of herself”.
Now, I just have to have my mind listen to my body and act on making a more permanent change instead of giving in when I feel better.