Dark Night

No body understands.

They don’t get it.

Why is it so hard?

{tears streaming}

I don’t know why it’s so hard.

Why do I have this stupid disease?

Did I do something so terrible as a four year old little girl that I deserve this as punishment.

Why??

WHY?

{grasping my arms, leaving thumbnail marks now on the insides of my elbows. It hurts, but not as much as right now – the way I feel inside}

I hate this!

None of my friends have this.

Am I the only one?

Sure, my cousin has it too, but he doesn’t really care enough to reach out either.

Why?

WHY???

I JUST DON’T GET IT!!!!

WHAT ON EARTH DID I DO??????

{pressing thumbnail harder…}

And no one cares.

They don’t see what I do to take care of myself.

They don’t see How much I hate this.

They don’t see that I need help.

Instead of trying to help, they just fuss.

I’m a terrible person.

I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t do anything right.

Why stay here any longer and let them worry over me.

I’m nothing but a burden.

I don’t need to be here.

{programmed a 20u bolus into my pump, and laid down}

If I just drift off, and go to sleep, it will fix it.

I won’t be here for them to worry about.

They can have normal lives now.

I just need to go to sleep….

“I have a plan for you.And I need you to stay there. I’m not ready for you yet.” – God

I have spoken before of my “dark night”, but never have I actually written out what went through my head. The pain I was feeling at the time. Those thumbnail prints? One is a scar on my right arm. Diabetes and depression go hand in hand,that’s no news. There needs to be more awareness for this as well. There needs to be a mental checkup along with our endocrine checkups. I still struggle with it every now and then, but nothing like I used to. Largely in part to finding hundreds of others who know what it’s like and let me share my stories with them and from reading their stories.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. We celebrate this to give thanks for all that we have and for those who we hold dear. Tomorrow (and everyday), I give thanks to you – everyone in the Diabetes Online Community and close family and friends – who have been there for me and supported me.

 (Image from PostSecret .No, this isn’t mine. I didn’t write one.)

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10 Comments

Filed under dblog, Diabetes

10 responses to “Dark Night

  1. Scott Stewart

    Thank you for sharing this.  I am not a diabetic so I don’t know what it’s like at all, but I have watched my daughter Lauren grow up for the past 8 years working to get a hold on this disease.  It has not been easy at all.  She also has had many breakdowns.  With your blog, I can now look at it from someone else’s view point.  Thank you, you may not know it, but you help me understand my daughter just a little bit better. 

  2. Big hugs, Sarah…  I understand what you mean, it wasn’t too many years ago that I was in that same dark place. I truly hope that is forever behind us; for you, I and everyone else who struggles constantly with whatever is bringing pain into their lives.

    And you’re right… counseling should be a part of every diabetic treatment plan.  It seems that as more and more time passes, the mental and emotional aspects seem to wreak a greater toll on me than the physical ones do.

    I am also extremely grateful that I found the DOC, I honestly don’t know if I’d still be here without all of you

  3. DeerPassion

    I started crying as I read this… only because I’ve been there, and I know other diabetics who have been there too. It’s a vivid reminder of the ups and downs of dealing with diabetes on a daily basis… physically and emotionally. Thank you for sharing.

  4. Patrick McConnell

    Hi Sarah,

    Great post, Thank you for sharing your story… I too am thankful every day for the DOC,

    keep up the good fight,

    Pat..

  5. v6shell (jeff)

    Thanks, Sarah, for writing the words that I am unable to write at this time in my D-Life. Holding back tears as I read it. If hugs are acceptable, I hereby send you some mind (((hugs)))!

    FWIW, it’s been at least 10 years since my own truly dark times. But I do know that I’ve no intention of being there again.

    I honestly don’t know what I’d do w/o my Fellow DOC Friends… Here’s a thanks from me to all DOCers too (regardless of your location on this Beautiful Blue Marble) 🙂

  6. Megan

    Mothers Day about 12 years ago.  I wasn’t going to write a note.  I had a plan.  My dad forcibly stopped me. 

    It’s ok to feel like that sometimes. We all love you!

  7. J...

    I will say I’ve had that ‘moment of thought’…those angry tears….thinking an extra shot, big bolus…just wanting to go to sleep and not be a burden…many things have opened my eyes over the years…we are worth it…gods plan, not our plan…very brave post that I’m sure many can relate… LOVE U … xo ((HUGS))

  8. Jess

    I’m so glad you found support from the DOC and family. May you never have another dark night. You are brave and strong.  Don’t forget that! Happy Thanksgiving.  I wish you good health and happiness.   

  9. Mike Hoskins

    Thank you for sharing this incredibly powerful and heartfelt post, Sarah. I’m so thankful for the opportunity to read these words as I face some of these same issues. The support of the DOC family is irreplaceable, and I’m so glad we’re all in this together.

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